


The Dragonfly Oath

by Koneia



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, F/M, Friendship, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-03
Updated: 2012-09-03
Packaged: 2017-11-13 11:45:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/503183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Koneia/pseuds/Koneia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crossing some sort of gigantic beehive in relative safety and without having to bother for resources for the next one and a half year, or, crossing for at least two years a warn-torn region inhibited by a species which makes the Hirogen look like tame house pets – it should be an easy choice. If it hadn't been for the 'oath'.</p>
<p>Written for the VAMB Secret Summer Exchange.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ohtheprofanity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohtheprofanity/gifts).



> 'The Dragonfly Oath' is set in season seven some time after the episode ‘Human Error’ and told from Kathryn Janeway's POV.
> 
> Written for the VAMB Secret Summer Exchange. Ohtheprofanity's requested a 'hot and steamy J/C story', which (considering my side-stepper tendency) left me hyperventilating and sweating ...
> 
> What saved me, literally and metaphorically, was Malezita. 
> 
> There are almost no words to thank Malezita properly for her constant and unwavering support through the whole month it took to write this story. Without her everday (!) emotional support, the brilliant ideas she came up with as well as her spicing up of the ‘hot-and-steamy’-scenes, this story would never have been what it is now. Therefore in many ways this is also her story as it is mine. Moreover I’m pretty sure that without her I wouldn’t have found the strength to get through this and walk on territory which was so way outside my comfort zone. And finally, without her I wouldn’t have had the guts to post it. To top all that, she fiddled an amazing cover for this work, which was a permanent source of inspiration for me. Having said all this only one thing remains: thank you, thank you, thank you so much my friend *big hug*.
> 
> My second life-saver is JoAryn, who despite having to write her own Secret Summer story, somehow squeezed mine into her tight time schedule and managed to beta it in record time. Thank you!
> 
> The idea that Janeway and Chakotay have to sacrifice/do something in order to have safe passage through a territory and/or friendly space is not new and has been done countless times before. Also others have reflected upon the command team’s burden or have subjected them to all sorts of rituals and ceremonies. But sometimes one stumbles over stories which let one stop and think, which touch, which warm heart and soul. And which inspire deeply and influence in some way or the other.
> 
> This current story was inspired by other people’s work and thoughts, mainly by Shayenne’s ‘Mind Game’ and Brianna’s ‘After the Mind Game’, elem’s ‘A World of Time’ and ‘Victim of Circumstances’, DrLizThirose’s ‘Chances Are’, Camryn’s ‘Tough Love’ and last but not least Mizvoy’s ‘Lulu to the Rescue’. I’d like to thank these brilliant authors for their beautiful and awesome stories! 
> 
> Koneia
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: Last time I checked, I still didn't own Star Trek. *sigh* No infringement is intended.

_ Day 0 in Nai’iari space; 14:30 _

 

Crossing some sort of gigantic beehive in relative safety and without having to bother for resources for the next one and a half year if we follow the allowed route and accept the rules of the incorporeal Wise and the insectoid Nai’iari, or, crossing for at least two years a war-torn region inhibited by a species which makes the Hirogen look like tame house pets – the decision should have been an easy one.

If it hadn’t been for the ‘oath’.

An oath which was required to allow Voyager to enter the energy barrier surrounding a huge territory; a barrier created by the non-corporeal Wise to protect the space’s inhabitants, the Nai’iari, a highly advanced matriarchal and empathic insectoid society, with whom they are living in a symbiosis.

The oath changed the decision from ‘easy’ to ‘necessary’.

Well, to be precise, one special aspect of the oath. After a few days of negotiations and screening through every detail of the contract, one question remains open. It appears as if my face is still unsure whether paling or blushing is the adequate reaction to the ambassador’s explanations and sets for both alternatingly, while Chakotay has simply paled.

Worst of all is my crew’s apparent willingness to unquestioningly accept my choice to not enter the Nai’iari space; a choice which could cost all our lives. No one is going to force Chakotay or me into this.

The ambassador’s opalescent compound eyes watch me patiently, and although it is difficult to assess emotions of an insectoid species, I have the impression that being as empathic as the Nai’iari are, she feels sympathetic to us.

“We are aware, Captain, Commander,” her voice is accompanied with the Nai’iari’s characteristic clicking sound, “that most humanoid species usually prefer to perform this in privacy, but I assure you that you won’t be aware of the Wise’s presence. They are non-corporal beings. And you must understand that the Wise choose carefully how to proceed with alien and especially non-insectoids who want to travel our territory. There is no offence meant. The collective needs to recognise you as ‘non-intruders’ or you would be attacked, particularly in the breeding and larvae habitats your route will lead you through. I’m afraid that breeding Nai’iari and especially the juvenile nymphs are very aggressive.”

“There is no need to apologize, Ambassador.” I say, trying to force my voice to remain calm.

The atmosphere in the briefing room is still numb, only Tuvok seems to have regained his composure again. “Ambassador, you pointed out that this ‘oath’ is only required from the leader of the vessel. Therefore I consider Commander Chakotay’s presence in this … case as illogical.”

The Nai’iari’s antennae point in his direction and it takes a bit before she answers. “On the contrary, Commander Tuvok. Voyager had two swarms and two captains in the beginning of its journey. For the greater good, one captain has stepped back, and one has taken the responsibility so that the two swarms had the chance to become one. Both sacrifices have to be acknowledged. Therefore both are required.”

“This … oath.” Resisting the temptation to clear my throat, I take a deep breath. “We have other ways to provide the Commander’s and mine DNA as marker for the Nai’iari-collective. Doctor?”

Thankfully the EMH jumps into action and finally having the time to cast a side-glance towards Chakotay our looks briefly meet, his eyes mirroring my own discomfort.

With shivering wings the ambassador sighs audible. “No Doctor. You don’t understand. It is not about the DNA itself. It is about the empathic pattern each individual reveals when it reaches the maximum peak of pheromones during sexual stimulation procedures-“

“Climax. Or orgasm.” The doctors offers happily.

My cheeks burn again. Chakotay buries his face in a hand.

Someone coughs.

The ambassador continues hesitantly. “When the individual reaches its … climax – its empathic imprint is pure in its essence. Combined with the DNA and the secreted pheromones within the released fluids during the oath it gives a unique signature which will be recognised by any of my kindred. In turn, during the climax the individual is imprinted by the Wise with the collective’s label, which will enable Voyager to pass the energy barrier surrounding our space as well as a safe journey through out territory.”

“And this … signature would also enable your collective to hunt down Voyager, if we violate your space or harm its inhabitants in any way.” Chakotay’s voice is controlled.

“Yes.”

My fingers clench around the PADD with the contract and I rise slowly from my chair. “Thank you very much for the clarification and your time, Ambassador. Commander Chakotay and I will inform you as soon as possible about our decision.”

As if it was a secret signal everyone stands up from their chairs.

The ambassador nods approvingly. “We wait for your answer. Captain, Commander.”

In silence the Nia’iari delegation and my senior staff leave the room. Only Chakotay and I remain, barely being able to look at each other.

Sighing, I point towards the ready room. “Need a drink, Commander?”

“Spirits, yes.”

As the ready room’s doors hiss shut behind us, I head towards the replicator. “Double whiskey…”

Waiting for Chakotay’s order, I give him a questioning glance.

“Two times.” He says quietly.

“Two double whiskey. No synthethol.” Two beverages with a golden liquid materialize and my hands tremble slightly, as I reach for the whiskey glasses. Things in my life are never easy, aren’t they? Willing myself to calm down, I take a deep breath before turning around to face Chakotay.

His face is still pale. “Well, Kathryn, we knew beforehand that there is some kind of tribute required to pass their space.”

“Tribute yes.” Passing him his glass, I arch my eyebrow and then decide to knock back the whole whiskey in one turn. It leaves a burning sensation of reality in my throat and brings tears into my eyes, but I don’t care, actually I welcome it. The continuation of this conversation certainly justifies such drastic measures. “But did any of the species we met mention that it requires _masturbation_ in front of my first officer and vice versa?”

The word lingers a bit in the room before its cruel blow hits into my guts, and judging Chakotay’s wide-eyed expression, into his too. This time it’s him who takes the whiskey in one go. “No, Kathryn.”

“I’m getting another one. Need one too?”

“Yes.”

When I return with the beverages, Chakotay has seated himself on the couch with his elbows resting on his knees and his hands covering his face. Lifting his head on my approach, he lets out a slow breath through pursued lips and leans back. “This is going to be …” He pauses, visibly struggling for words.

“Complicated, to say at least.” Ending his sentence, I seat myself beside him and slowly sway the whiskey glass in my hand, my eyes fixed on the liquid’s lazily movements. It’s not the time for false prudery now. “Embarrassing is more the fitting word, I guess. I usually don’t masturbate in front of other people, Chakotay, even if it is my best friend.”

Another phrase lingering in the room.

 _Best friend_.

Turning my head I meet the sad truth in his eyes. Our friendship has recently received quite some badly hurting dents, but we haven’t had the time nor the guts to face those resting demons yet. The decision to take the oath and to enter the Nai’iari space might very well be beyond the capacity of our friendship in its current fragile state.

Taking another sip, I straighten my shoulders. “In any case, the idea of having my … liquids handed over to a whole species so that they can recognise me anytime is not very appealing. I know insects have another view on secretion and mating, but that doesn’t make it easier.”

“So we are going to do it.” His voice is strained.

“Is there a choice?” I answer, and despite the whiskey the lump in my throat hurts like hell.

“No.”

We remain silent for a while. Rising from the couch, Chakotay lays his hand on my shoulder, a gesture he hadn’t done for a while. “I will inform the Nai’iari from our decision, Captain.”

I send him a forced smile. “Thank you, Commander.”

Leaning back I watch him leave my ready room. The Nai’iari won’t take long for their preparations for the oath. Nor will our crew need long to set the last arrangements of the contract. This leaves me only a little time to adjust to the idea.

And maybe only a little more time before our friendship finally shatters into pieces – a bitter sacrifice for one and a half year of travelling in friendly space.

 

=^=

_ Day 0 in Nai’iari space; 19:00 _

 

The energy barrier’s pale blue light shines softly into the dark of my quarters and casts my shadow on the floor; a fragile figure with its arms wrapped around her body. Do I really look so lost, so vulnerable?

With a shuddered breath I lean on the bulkhead and stare again out of the window, losing myself almost in the desperate feeling of finality. Even Voyager’s engines have stopped.

Like me she is waiting to continue our journey. She waits for me to take the ‘oath’, while I wait for Chakotay to pick me up.

_Chakotay._

What is maybe a half an hour of embarrassment followed by most probably months of discomfort between the two of us worth against even one single life? Against one and a half years of travelling in peace?

It’s an unimaginable luxury within the Delta Quadrant.

Sighing, I pinch the bridge of my nose, unable to appreciate the beauty of the thousands of different shades of blue swirling in the barrier before my eyes.

Risking our friendship, or the lives of one hundred and fifty people. It’s a clear cut decision after all. Hopefully our professional relationship won’t be damaged too much.

The door chime sounds and the nausea I’ve been feeling the whole day returns with full force.

“Co-“ I clear my throat. “Come in.”

White light falls from Voyager’s corridor into my quarters as Chakotay enters the room, the reflection of his figure on the window becomes gradually bigger as he walks silently the few meters until he comes to a halt beside me. His gaze meets mine on the window’s surface. We both are pale.

“It’s time Kathryn.” He says quietly, not bothering to conceal his own nervousness.

Straightening my shoulders, I turn around and study him thoroughly, his exhausted and worried features mirroring my own fatigue of encountering another toll from the Delta Quadrant, another demand from the two of us.

Like me he has decided to stay out of uniform and to keep it simple – a white shirt, dark casual pants. Judging from his eyes’ slight widening he has recognized the blue dress I’ve chosen; a dress reminding me of warm sun shining on my back, my hands digging deep in earth. A dress full of memories of a time where I felt secure, happy, being myself – something I urgently need now to go on, to face the inevitable.

Softly I lay my hand on his chest; his heart beats firm and fast below my fingers and a lump forms in my throat – again - like so often the past few days. “Yes Chakotay. It’s time.”

He just nods in response.

Slowly we make our way towards shuttlebay one where the Nai’iari delegates and a small security and medical team is waiting for us to initiate the ceremony. Voyager’s corridors to the shuttle bay are abandoned. I’m grateful for our crew’s way to show their respect- it would have been more than awkward to meet anyone under these circumstances. It will be anyway when we are … finished.  

The shuttle bay’s doors swish open before us and reveal the almost overwhelming sight of a beautiful huge blue and pulsating bubble – a smaller version of the energy barrier outside Voyager. It’s difficult to avert my gaze. The small figures standing in front of the bubble seem to be almost swallowed by it and my crew’s stern expressions - Tuvok, Ayala, the doctor and Paris standing attention – somehow don’t fit at all to the beauty next to them.

My guts clench.

The features of the three Nai’iar delegates are unreadable, but despite the situation I’m unable to supress the fascination I feel for them - shimmering elongated exoskeleton and fragile wings – a physique which reminds a lot of earth’s dragonflies despite these aliens’ complex social culture. As Chakotay and I approach the small assembled group, the ambassador’s small antennae shiver a little. “So you both agree to take the oath?”

Chakotay shoots me a short questioning glance – I know it’s my last possibility to retract, but I just nod my approval. He turns towards the Nai’iari. “Yes, we both agree.”

For a few moments, the ambassador remains silent as if to empathize if we are telling the truth. Finally, she slowly inclines her head and spreads her two hindwings. At this signal the two other Nai’iari, each carrying a bowl with a silvery fluid, step forward.

Crossing four of her six legs in front of her exoskeleton in a graceful position, the ambassador spreads also her forewings. Her voice is severe as she starts reciting. “Our traditions demand that the leader of the community who wants to cross our territory has to swear an oath. Voyager’s two swarms are united to one. For the greater good, one leader has relinquished his rights and serves for the peace. For the greater good the other has taken his swarm into her own and takes the responsibility for all. For the greater good, both deny themselves a full life so that the two swarms, now united in one swarm, have a chance to survive. To retain the balance, the sacrifices of both leaders have to be acknowledged. Therefore it’s required that both Captains take the oath. Do you agree with these terms?”

“Yes.” Chakotay and I answer in unison.

I can’t prevent a cold shiver run along my spine when the Nai’iari in front of me plunges one of her legs into the silvery fluid and applies the cool liquid on my forehead. According to the scans we had taken beforehand it consisted of secretions – Nai’iari secretions – which should allow Chakotay and me to pass the barrier of the small bubble where we are supposed to perform the oath.

“You vow that you will follow the rules and guidelines you were given by the Nai’iari and The Wise. You vow furthermore that you won’t violate our space or harm its inhabitants in any way. You agree that if you violate your vow you will be hunted and prosecuted according to our laws.”

“I vow.” Each of us replies. I have to force my mind to remain in the here and now and not to think about the things which are going to happen in a few minutes; the part which will complicate our both lives considerably. Swallowing I risk a side-glance to Chakotay and he meets my look with a worried expression.

“You agree that in order to be recognised by any of the Nai’iari the signature unique to your person is passed to all of our kindred. And you agree that for this your empathic pattern in its purest form will be stored, as well as your secretions, DNA and pheromones from your release.”

I take a deep breath. It sounds so harmless - the unique signature of our empathic patterns released at the time when it is purest. Harmless words with the impact to change my life.

Chakotay’s and mine gazes lock and a warm feeling spreads in my heart on realizing that he waits with his response for me to find my inner center again.

“I agree.” My voice sounds more confident than I feel.

“I agree.” Chakotay states with a forced smile playing on his lips.

The ambassador slightly inclines her head. “You agree that while your release you will be imprinted by the Wise with the collective’s label, which will enable Voyager to pass the energy barrier surrounding our space as well as to journey safely through our space.”

“I agree.” We both reply lamely. Imprinted while climaxing. The Nai’iari assured us repeatedly that we won’t notice anything of the imprinting or the Wise’s presence. It doesn’t make it more comfortable though.

The Nai’iari with the bowl moistens again one leg into the silvery liquid and reaches behind my neck to mark me there, before she hands me the vial over in which I will need to collect my liquids afterwards. My fingers play nervously with the small item.

Folding her wings again, the ambassador retreats a few steps and leaves us free entrance to the bubble. This time her voice is soft. “Now it’s on you to finish the oath.” She pauses and continues after a short hesitation. “Choose wise.”

Chakotay looks as puzzled as I feel at the last sentence. We have already chosen, haven’t we? With an even more uncomfortable feeling than before, I approach the bubble. Shortly before I step into it, my view falls on Tom Paris’ pale face. What I recognise there clenches my guts once more.

It’s hope.

Hope that as an expectant father not only he and B’Elanna, but also his daughter have a future.

The oath is not for the crew alone. It’s also for all the other children yet to come. It’s for Voyager’s future.

Chakotay and I simply can’t afford to fail.

 

 

=^=

_ Day 0 in Nai’iari space; 19:30 _

 

A basin filled with the silvery liquid floats in midst of the otherwise empty place, engulfed in the bluish light emanating from the bubble’s surface. The vial I was given from the Nai’iari to transfer my secretions into the silvery liquid feels strangely out of place within my hand.

My heartbeat throbs rapidly in my neck, my throat feels dry. Rarely have I felt so nervous in my life. So here _it_ is going to happen. What now? What later when we are … done?

“We are going to be fine, Kathryn.” Although his words were meant to reassure me, his voice is coloured with his own insecurity.

“Are we?” My own voice sounds shallow and for the first time since we have entered the bubble I dare to look at him. In the bubble’s soft light he looks almost ethereal. Vulnerable. “Are we, Chakotay?”

There is no easy answer to this question and he knows it as well as I do. The things we’d carefully tried to balance the past seven years between us might go finally out of equilibrium. What the Borg, the Equinox, Teero or Quarra weren’t able to achieve, this experience might do it – rip the heavily worn fabric of our friendship into pieces and thus endanger our crew if we are not able to maintain an objective command structure afterwards any more.

“One and a half year travelling in peace.” He answers quietly and averting his gaze, he presses his lips together.

 _One and a half year travelling in peace._ Time, urgently needed to heal the wounds from seven strenuous years of journey. Time to overhaul Voyager, our home. No one to die because of a belligerent encounter with someone we happen to come across. Travelling in a friendly space without having to bother if we have enough food or delithium.

No one to die.

There has never been another answer, hasn’t it? Straitening my shoulders and gathering the last bits of courage, I lay my hand on his arm, swallowing hard. “One and a half year travelling in peace.”

Our gaze locks.

My blood rushes in my ears. I’m scared. It’s ironic, isn’t it? It could as well be erotic. Despite what had happened in the past it is undeniable that we both are still somehow attracted towards each other – even if it might be buried under thick layers. But I’m scared of doing this in his presence. It’s nothing life-endangering. I’ve been in worse situations – much worse, but nevertheless...

His hand softly touches my neck and drawing me nearer, he lays his forehead on mine. “We are going to be fine.”

“We are. We must.”

“We must.”

Silence descends around us and the truth lingers uncomfortably in the air. In this bubble there is simply no place to hide or to get some privacy.

“How are we going…? I mean, I know how to… but you know…” Darn. I let out a shuddered breath.

Chakotay starts quietly chuckling, his thumb stroking over my jaw. “Sorry Captain. The first officer’s handbook doesn’t cover such a situation.”

A grin steals itself on my face. “Neither does the captain’s handbook, Commander.”

We become silent again, both being aware that we can’t prolong the inevitable much longer.

He swallows hard. “Do you trust me, Kathryn?”

“Yes.” With my life.

“Come.” He says softly. Face to face as we are, we kneel down besides each other and he shifts his position until our shoulders are almost touching, leaving us with the reassuring closeness of the other but yet the little privacy of both looking in other directions.

With a forced smile, he closes his eyes and I follow his example, being very aware of his warm body near mine. The noises emanating from him indicate that he has already freed himself.

 _Freed himself_. The thought alone sends shivers down my spine and I can’t help noticing his heavy breathing beside me or the soft sound of ... sliding.

Nervously, I start partly undressing myself. I didn’t bother to wear pants. The cloth of my dress brushes along my thighs as I lift it, making me feel exposed as the cold air touches my sensitive flesh. Parting my legs slightly, I slip my fingers in between, cup my mound.

My cheeks start burning like hell.

“I can’t … do this.” I whisper.

“We are going to be fine.” His left hands seeks mine, touches me reassuringly and as our fingers intertwine, he squeezes my hand.

Heaving a deep breath I feel calmer again.

Together.

We are doing this together. As command team, as friends.

Together as in many other situations the Delta Quadrant has thrown upon us.

Feeling the soothing warmth of his body beside mine, I know that I’m secure with him. Secure to let it happen and let go. From the corner of my eyes I’m aware that he starts stroking himself again.

So do I.

But it ceased to be awkward or something circumstances forced us into it. Transmutes into something which expresses what we are, what connects us. Years of trust and mutual affection, years of buried attraction.

And erotism.

Charged, hot energy suddenly swells between us, carrying with it the smell of each other’s arousal. My senses are overly aware of what he is doing beside me, his ragged breathing, the soft moans of his pleasure as he strokes himself faster and faster.

My body squirms with lust; my own breathing becomes more and more erratic as the feeling of an oncoming climax spreads through my belly.

His breaths bear the promise that he too is soon about to climax – the realisation sending white-hot sparks up my spine.

Unable to resist the temptation I open my eyes. Fine layers of sweat glitter on his skin in the bluish light. As if he’d felt my glance on him, he slowly turns his head, opens his lids.

Eyes as deep as space, older than time, as intense as fire meet my soul.

Burning I drown with my wings spread wide.

Never in my life have I seen anything so beautiful.

Never in my life have I felt so beautiful.

Untangling his fingers from mine, he slowly lifts his hands and trails his fingers lightly along my jaw. As I slowly turn to face him fully his hand comes to rest on my neck. Strangely outside of time we share our breaths, inhale to breathe the other, exhale only to be breathed; the air between us sizzles with energy.

Seven years we’ve lived so close to each other that there seemed to be almost nothing unfamiliar left, but now it feels like as if a veil was lifted. A beauty, I’ve never seen in him. A man I’ve never met. Pure.

Pure in his essence.

We are close.

Gently drawing me nearer to him, our cheeks touch, and as our bodies lean slightly twisted on each other my hand weaves through his hair.

In soft movements we swing together as we continue to pleasure ourselves; my fingers caressing my sensitive spots, sliding through my wet hotness; Chakotay stroking himself, radiating power.

My belly deliciously tightens.

Our breaths become more and more ragged, our movements faster and as his fingers dig tightly into my neck, a droplet of sweat runs along the heated skin of my throat, wanders down my collarbone, finds its way between the swell of my breasts. Heat explodes in my core; an unbidden groan escapes my lips.

He responds with a moan, tightens his grip even more. His lips softly brush my ear, his breath comes in shallow pants when he falters in his movements. Closing my eyes, I hold my breath; my heart wildly pounds against my rips, every nerve in my body screaming for release.

And then it is suddenly as if time stands stills.

“Kathryn.” he groans as he arches his head back, energy sparkling from his body.

I let myself go with him. Shatter into pieces with his names on my lips. Allow myself be burned in hot white light.

Wrapped around each other we gently ride out the waves of our orgasm until our limp bodies heavily lean on each other; our fight for air the only sound audible.

Nestling my head on his neck I gently caress his damp hair, a warm affection towards him unfolding within my heart. My throat feels dry.

“We did it.” I say breathlessly.

He chuckles, his hand trailing along my back. “Almost, yes. The vials aren’t done.” Enjoying the warmth of his breath on my neck I snuggle nearer to him. “Are you alright, Kathryn?”

Am I alright? “I guess I am, Chakotay. You?”

Placing a soft kiss on my neck, he softly pulls me away from him, and palming my face he gazes intensely into my eyes. “I am alright.”

I stroke his cheek. Time passes as we both have a long close look at each other. Unveiled, open. No games. Something between the two of us has changed.

Why haven’t I ever noticed before how utterly beautiful he is?

“The vials.” I finally manage to say.

He nods.

In silence and giving the other as much as privacy as possible, each of us fills the small vial with our pleasure’s fluids. With weakened knees I raise and slowly approach the basin, its silvery liquid feeling cold on my hands when I plunge the vial into it to handover my secretion to the Nai’iari.

Staring at the basin where our both fluids mix, a strange disembodied feeling sweeps over me.

It’s done. We are done.

But why do I feel so … sad then, as if I have lost something? Slowly wiping out my wet hands on my dress my eyes seek Chakotay’s. My voice is hoarse. “We are finished.”

“Yes, we are.” He says quietly and shifting his weight uneasily from one foot to the other, he sighs deeply. “Kathryn … I need a bit time before I go back. This is too … abrupt.”

Gently squeezing his arm, I smile at him. He is right, it’s too abrupt. I don’t want to go and face my crew now, nor do I want to spoil this tender warmth between us, if I’m honest. “We could enjoy the beauty of the bubble a bit longer.”

It’s more a question, but he understands. “It is certainly best viewed from the floor.”

Lying down beside each other, Chakotay wraps his arm around me; my hand comes to rest on his chest. My body feels strangely sated and heavy.

“One and a half years of travelling in peace, Kathryn. What are we going to do with this time?” He sounds tired.

Leaning my head on his shoulder, I listen to his steady heartbeat. “Overhaul Voyager. Time to rest and relax for the crew I guess. Maybe we could perform Tuvok’s exchange program so that the crew learns new skills. We still lack medically trained personnel.”

His heartbeat quickens. “How about overhauling our friendship?”

Turning my head, I watch him carefully, but his expression remains as severe as the tone of his voice had been. He has meant it. In its joy my heart almost misses a beat. With misty eyes I softly stroke his chest. “Yes, Chakotay, time to overhaul our friendship too.”

As a response he draws me nearer to his body and kisses softly my hair. “Thank you, Kathryn.”

In silence we lay huddled against each other, engulfed in the light of myriads of gleaming bluish shades and bands of light blue beautifully meandering in darker areas. I’ve rarely felt so sheltered in my life, so in peace.

Chakotay’s breathing slows down little by little into a deep rhythmic breath; his arm becomes heavy on my body.

My best friend sleeps in my caress – something unimaginable only days before.

Enjoying our mutual embrace, I close my eyes with a smile. Whatever is going to happen after we leave the bubble, one thing is certain - our friendship has changed again into an unknown direction.

For Voyager’s sake I hope that we are going to be fine.

And for my sake a quiet, shy voice within me hopes that it would be more than that.

I fall asleep to the rhythms of his heart.

 

=^=

_ Day 0 in Nai’iari space; 23:50 _

 

I don’t know what I have expected to await us when we step out of the bubble, but certainly not this.

Two white roses with our names on them lay on the floor in midst of the abandoned shuttlebay, each of them with a silvery necklace woven along its shaft. Chakotay picks them silently up and reaches me one with a slightly trembling hand and I become aware of the small locket in the shape of Voyager attached to it.

The blue filigree lines of Chakotay’s eagle tattoo graze Voyagers hull on one side and a golden bird on the other side, the two bird’s wings meet in the middle, touch each other.

Chakotay and me.

The eagle and the golden bird.

His tribal tattoo and my parent’s nickname for me.

We both are speechless. Chakotay swallows heavily beside me and I too have trouble keeping my emotions in check.

Motionless we remain beside each other. I seek for his hand, and he grabs mine wordlessly, gently stroking me with his thumb.

Together we somehow find the strength to move again, to keep going. In silence and with still clasped hands we walk along Voyagers empty corridors until we stop in front of my quarters.

Time to part. It feels suddenly so bitter.

Softly we engulf each other in a warm hug, before we finally pull away. The loss of the contact to him hurts almost physically.

“Good night, Kathryn.”

“Good night, Chakotay.” I say, and feeling his glance on me, I enter my quarters.

Darkness greets me.

Slowly I walk into my bedroom and undress almost like in a trance. Folding my dress carefully I place it on the middle of the bed with the rose on top of it. My nightgown feels strangely cool on my skin.

With the necklace still in my hand, I curl on my bed next to the dress.

It smells of him. And of me. Of us both.

The dress, the rose and the necklace – all prove in their way that I’m not alone, but the silence of my quarters, the emptiness in my bed show the harsh truth.

I am lonely.

A Starfleet captain some 35 000 light years from home.

My guilt. My responsibility. My burden.

Not much space for the woman I also am to live for. _For the greater good, both deny themselves a full life so that the two swarms, now united in one swarm, have a chance to survive._

Rarely do I allow myself to indulge in the luxury of crying, but today I do. Silent tears drop one by one onto the dress and add to its history.

Tonight is going to be a long night.


	2. Chapter 2

_ Day 21 in Nai’iari space; 06:30 _

 

“I hadn’t expected it to happen so early.” The day hasn’t even begun, but Chakotay, Tuvok, the Doctor and I already have to assemble for a crisis meeting in my ready room. Rubbing my temples tiredly I lean back into my chair and face the EMH with a sigh. “Well, we knew that the crew eventually would show some signs of post-traumatic stress disorder.”

“We are already three weeks in Nia’iari space, Captain. Due to the subsiding stress levels it is very likely that we will soon have to cope with more affected crew members. Perhaps we should expand my program with a counsellor subroutine to relieve Commander Chakotay in his duty.”

My view falls shortly on Chakotay and he simply nods wearily. He’d been talking the whole night to the four crewmembers in question after an incident in Sandrine’s and it’s obvious that his time and capacity in this respect are limited.

Shifting in my chair, I study the EMH and Tuvok. To those who know them well enough the subtle signs of concern are apparent. “You are right, Doctor, I think it is time to expand your program. And Tuvok, we can’t have this end up in a security problem. This fight in Sandrine’s was already one fight too many. I want everyone informed and sensitized again on this topic.”

“Understood.” Tuvok answers, but despite his calm voice he looks positively uneasy in a very Vulcanish way. “May I speak openly, Captain?”

I shoot him an astonished look. “Of course Tuvok, I thought we did already.”

Now even the EMH shows signs of uneasiness. Chakotay’s short questioningly side glance tells me all I need to know – the EMH and Tuvok have ganged up on something. I narrow my eyes. The doctor has at least the grace to shrink a little.

“Captain.” Tuvok seems to consider his words carefully. “It is only logical that also the Commander and you could experience signs of posttraumatic disorder.”

Placing the fingertips of my hands together, I inwardly curse. I hate them to be right. “Yes.”

Chakotay sighs beside me. “What is your suggestion?”

This time the EMH responds. Ganged up indeed. “Commander Tuvok and I thought that in case you both show signs of distress or feel the need to have time for yourself, it would be best if you handover command over Voyager for a while until you feel better again. Of course Tuvok as well as I are at your disposal for counselling.

“You both, Captain, Commander,-“ Tuvok takes over, “however, may wish to solve any potential problems together.”

I stare at Tuvok and the Doctor.

Then at Chakotay. Since the oath we have settled for a comfortable daily routine. It’s not the easy-going, light-hearted routine we had in the beginning of our journey, but neither is it the drained and distanced one we had found ourselves in shortly before the oath.

It’s different. Full of stolen glances. Full of cautious approaches to not shy the other away. But we haven’t dared to address the dangerous area of our troubled friendship yet.

Solving potential problems together. Sounds so easy.

Chakotay’s and my eyes lock. _Time to overhaul our friendship_.

“Yes, we may wish to solve this together.” I answer hesitantly.

Tuvok only nods in response. The EMH beams. “Well, just give either of us a call, so to say. Tuvok and I will arrange matters.”

Time to end this conversation before it gets really uncomfortable. I stand up from my chair, the others following my example. “Well, gentlemen, I have an appointment with the Nai’iari scientists. Keep me informed. Dismissed.”

Much to my relief, Tuvok and the EMH leave my ready room, only Chakotay remains. He casts me an insecure smile. “Dinner?”

Cocking an eye brow, I grin at him. “Only if you cook, Commander”

It earns me the dimpled smile. “Of course, Captain.”

“I’ll bring the wine.”

“Sounds good. 1900?”

“Sure.” It’s one of those moments neither of us seems to want to end, but also neither of us dares to deepen. Things are still too fragile. “Are you going to be ready to beam down to the planet at 1100, Chakotay?”

He sighs. “No, I want to talk to Mike Ayala. I really need to find out why he started the fight last night. So, no planet side and indulging in interesting cultural exchange for me today.”

“Well, I’m going to have a nice day again with the Nai’iar scientists. But-“ I take a few steps towards him and squeeze his arm lightly. “I’ll bring also the dessert this evening to make up for it.”

We smile at each other softly. Without a further word he leaves the room too.

 

=^=

 

_  
_

_ Day 21 in Nai’iari space; 16:00 _

 

Giandon, one of the Nia’iari’s planets dedicated mainly to science, is impressive. An El Dorado of knowledge. I’ve been enjoying myself the last two days with Ta’ara, the leader of this community and it had been a pure pleasure to exchange ideas or work with her on some of Voyager’s unresolved technical problems.

Today I had expected to return to Voyager with a bundle of solutions, yes. But I haven’t expected this to happen. The empathic pattern which must emanate from me now is certainly out of the range. Ta’ara’a wings slightly vibrate – the Nai’iari equivalent of a chuckling.

I still stare on the information displayed before me – stellar maps for a region almost ten thousand light years in diameter. It would mean almost ten years travelling in relative security, especially since the Nai’iari offered to establish contact to friendly species.

“You are really willing to give us all these maps and information of the inhabiting species? I mean…” I take a deep breath and start anew. “Ta’ara. We can’t offer your people much for it in return. Certainly nothing adequate.”

The scientist’s forewings vibrate even more. “Don’t make yourself uneasy, Captain Janeway. It is a gift. The Wise wish it to be one and the Nai’iari agree.”

“A gift? The wish of the Wise?”

“Yes. Because you have chosen wisely.”

I stare at her, the ambassador’s strange words before we entered the bubble surfacing again in my mind. _Choose wise_. “For us it was the best decision to take the oath, Ta’ara. It means travelling in peace amongst friends. This alone is a priceless gift.”

Ta’ara shakes her head. “You don’t understand. You have chosen wisely during the oath. You remained who you are.”

 _During_ the oath. Blood rushes into my cheeks. Heavens.

“Captain.” Ta’ara’s voice is soft. “It is nothing to be ashamed of. On the contrary.”

Pinching my nose with one hand and putting the other on my hip, I let out a slow breath. “Ta’ara… it’s …”

Embarrassing? Too intimate?

Her wings vibrations have stopped. She sounds serious. “Captain, I think you _need_ to understand something. Would you follow me please?”

Without a further word she turns and leaves the room. I have difficulties to keep her pace. “Ta’ara?”

“You need to understand.” She says impatiently.

We walk in silence through the Nai’iari’s scientific station until we come to a halt before an opening which leads to a huge room. After a short hesitation Ta’ara spreads her four wings and enters it.

The room is empty except for one other Nai’iari. “Captain, this is Zeira’a. She is a keeper.”

Bowing the traditional Nai’iari greeting, the keeper eyes me curiously. “It’s an honor to meet you, Captain Janeway.”

“The honor is on my side, Zeira’a.” I reply, unsure of what I am expected to do.

Ta’ara’s antennae point agitatedly in the keeper’s direction. “She needs to understand.”

“I see. Now?”

“Yes.”

The keeper nods. “In this case I will show her.”

Inclining her head she folds her wings and crosses four of her legs over her chest. With her torso slightly bent forward a deep vibrating humming emanates from her.

The hairs on my arm stand up as a chilly wave suddenly brushes from behind over my skin - it’s like every energy in the room is sucked to her, the sound, even the colors.

Slowly she lifts her head again and I meet the eyes of a second face within her face. Age old. Powerful. Knowing.

I stop breathing.

Without forewarning her body suddenly snaps back, her legs opening and closing in a fast movement as if to push something fiercely away.

The energy hits me in my chest, lets me stumble a few steps back.

Voices in my head. Loud. Too loud.

_Know thyself, Kathryn Janeway. Gnothi seauton. See. Understand._

Falling to my knees I hold in vain my ears with my hands, scream without hearing the sound of my desperate cry.

Sudden silence washes over me as if someone has closed a door.

Reluctantly I lift my head. My previously dull surroundings have changed into a world of brilliant dazzling colors.

“You now see things with Nai’iari eyes, Captain Janeway.” The keeper says softly and I’m somehow relieved that the second face has vanished. Breezes with different colors flow through the air, whirl, mingle with each other. The keeper’s view follows mine. “We feel what we see. We see what we feel.”

I swallow. “Was that one of the Wise?”

“Yes.” Turning to her right she points into the room which is dipped in swirling colors. “It’s time for you to find and understand Voyager’s energy.” She pauses. “Or yours and Captain Chakotay’s energy. Concentrate to the energy around you. Do you feel your community already?”

“How?”

“Don’t think. You will know. You see with the eyes of the Nai’iari, you feel like a Nai’iari. Just see it, feel it. Do you feel your community’s energy?”

I nod hesitantly. It’s like a familiar pull around my navel, like a secure, welcoming life line. “Yes, I think I do. But I can’t see it yet.”

“Then what do you see? What do you understand, Captain?”

Carefully I screen the rooms floating colors. Energy patterns. Strands, threads, clouds. My view comes to rest on the most prominent energy pattern – powerful and alien feeling red strands waving around us, full of confidence, full of might.

Unspoken knowledge fills my mind. “You have encountered far more powerful species and communities than us.”

Thoughtfully she tilts her head. “Depending on the viewpoint, Captain, you are right and wrong at the same time. Voyager is a small vessel with an undersized community of stranded travellers desperately reaching home. You are no warlords as the owners of these energy patterns are. What else do you see?”

My view follows the red strands to their origin, a sparkling solid platform with five independent strong pulsating threads growing out of it. “This community is huge and has five leaders.”

“Yes.”

Averting with difficulty my gaze from the red strands, I turn towards the keeper. “So Chakotay and I were not the first to take the oath together?”

“No, you weren’t.”

“I see.”

She tilts her head. “No, you don’t. Close your eyes, Captain. Maybe you should stop seeing and start feeling.”

Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes with an unsettling feeling in my guts, the impact of the surrounding energy almost overwhelming my senses.

The keeper’s voice beside me is calm. “Do you feel the red strands energy patterns?”

I hesitate. It’s suddenly difficult to keep them apart from another energy - an energy alarmingly familiar. “I do, but …”

“But they are not so strong anymore as they had appeared on the first glance?”

“No.” I bite my lips. Why is this starting to scare the hell out of me?

“What is the difference between these two energy patterns?”

My nervousness increases. “Why are you talking of two energy patterns? There are loads of them.”

She laughs. “Because there is only one energy pattern stronger than that from the red strands.”

Warm, familiar, safe, home.

“Voyager.” I whisper.

“Yes. And no.” She pauses. “These are mainly the leader’s energy patterns - as all are in the room. What you feel was created by you and Captain Chakotay.”

My eyes snap open. “Chakotay and me?”

“Yes.”

My breath catches in my throat. “May I … see it?”

“Of course, it is yours.

Closing my eyes again I follow the sensation pulling in my navel, the warmth I’m so familiar with. I stop when the energy seems almost to glow in my belly, burning.

It’s here. Right in front of me.

My heart rapidly pounds in my chest. Part of me wants to know how it looks like, part of me doesn’t. Curiosity wins over insecurity.

Hesitantly opening my eyes I gasp at the sight before me.

There is no platform.

Just two blue strands, pulsing, waving, whirling, entwining around each other. Fusing into one bigger, even more lively one, which spreads into thousands small subtle rays. There seems to be no ending – the rays subtly weave themselves into almost every corner of the room, touch the walls, brush over other patterns. Glow softly.

It’s so … beautiful. So utterly beautiful.

So…

Covering my mouth with my hand, I choke back a sob.

It’s so …

The keeper’s leg feels comfortably solid on my shoulder. “It is the most beautiful pattern we have ever encountered. Full of respect, trust, affection, hope. Selflessness.” She seems to consider her next word. “Love.”

Unbidden tears run down my cheeks and I shake violently my head.

“You can deny it or you can accept it, Captain. It doesn’t change what it is. In any way – this is why your community trusts you both unquestioningly as leaders. It’s not your positions nor any regulations. It’s what you both are. It’s who you are. And it is how you both are with each other.”

God, why does this hurt so much? Why does this feel as if it rips my heart apart?

“Captain.” Slowly walking in front of me, the keeper watches me carefully. “Every communities’ empathic pattern leaves traces in our own empathic pattern. That’s why we do not choose lightly whom we allow passage through our space. Like every community crossing our territory, your empathic pattern has become part of the Nai’iari and the Wise. Yours is a great gift. It’s pure beauty.”

Through misty eyes, I watch her face come near mine.

Like in slow motion something moves in her features. Aeon-old eyes fix mine, their expression sending shivers along my spine.

One of the Wise.

_Safe journey home, Kathryn Elisabeth Janeway. Outwardly and inwardly._

The words hit me like a hot breath, send my world into a whirling blur. My knees give away.

And then everything abruptly stands still again.

I open my eyes. Before me stands the keeper with her legs crossed over her chest and her torso bent forwards. It is like she had never moved.

“Welcome back, Captain.” Ta’ara’s voice beside me lets me almost jump.

“What…?” I stare at her, then back again to the keeper, who still remains motionless.

Ta’ara’s leg touches my hand softly. “She needs to recover. Taking you to the Wise’s reality requires a lot of energy.”

My jaw drops to the floor. “To the Wise’s reality?”

“Yes.” She pauses. “Can you now accept our gift? Do you understand that we only return a gift to a gift?”

I’m at a loss of words.

“You needed to know.” Ta’ara’s compound eyes glitter. “You wouldn’t have accepted our gift without feeling guilty or having the impression to have utilized us, especially when considering how important it is for you to travel one and a half year in peace and with having access to our resources.” She simply states.

I feel drained. Churned up. Confused. There is no sense in lying to an empathic species. Exhaustedly, I rub my neck. “I guess you are right.”

“Then you accept our gift?”

Ten more years in relative safety. I’m unsure whether to laugh or to cry of relief. Ten years. “Yes, Ta’ara.” I say with a hoarse voice. “Yes, I accept.”

She bows. “Then return to your swarm and tell them.”

“I will. Thank you.”

“You are welcome.”

We look long at each other before I finally tap my comm.badge. “Voyager, one to beam up.”

Engulfed in the transporter’s blue light I change worlds again, but this time into Chakotay’s and mine. Home.

My thoughts, my emotions spin uncontrollably.

Ten years.

Our beauty.

Respect. Trust.

_Love._

Ten years.

Heavens, how am I going to tell him of all this tonight?

 _What_ am I going to tell him?

 

 

=^=

__

_ Day 21 in Nai’iari space; 19:00 _

 

Prepared with a bottle of wine and today’s news I ring at Chakotay’s quarters for the fourth time. Strange. Dinner was today, wasn’t it?

At the fifth time I am almost surprised as the door opens and I meet the dark of his quarters; Chakotay’s features are barely visible in its darkness, but his eyes are suspiciously swollen.

Had he cried?

“Sorry Kathryn, I’ve forgotten our dinner.” His voice is hoarse.

Now I’m sure that he had cried. My heart clenches and I take a few cautious steps in his direction. “It’s alright Chakotay. We can take a rain check.” I pause, unsure how to proceed. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Softly I place my hand on his underarm, but he takes a sharp intake of breath as I touch his hand with a finger. My eyes fall on it. Swollen, blue, a bad cut.

“Chakotay! What happened with your hand?” I cry out startled.

He doesn’t respond.

“Did Mike…?”

His eyes snap angrily to me. “No!”

“What then, Chakotay?”

He remains silent again and I stare at him puzzled. Damn, what had happened here? Trying to give him comfort I lay my hand on his chest, but he almost jumps away from my touch.

Heaving a deep breath and placing the bottle of wine on the table nearby, I study him carefully. “Okay Chakotay. Out with it. What happened? And don't force me to make it an order.”

His eyes narrow and we fight a silent battle, stubbornness against contrariness, but fortunately he comes so his senses. “Teero happened. We talked about Teero.” He says through gritted teeth.

Teero. Darn.

So Chakotay had obviously hurt himself. He has never forgiven himself for what had happened, that’s for sure.

I must have cursed loudly as he breaks into a bitter laugh. “Yes Kathryn. Still want to talk about it?”

My heart beats in my throat. Teero. Why of all topics this one had to surface first? Closing my eyes I run my fingers through my hair, unable to control the images dwelling up. _Chakotay giving his phaser to Tuvok. Chakotay ordering Tuvok to kill me. Tuvok shooting._

Damn it, Kathryn, get a grip! I have promised that we will overhaul our friendship. And – I swallow at this thought -I have seen the beauty - our friendship’s beauty. This is more than worth fighting for, isn’t it?

Opening my eyes again, I reach for his hand. “Let me take care of it.”

He shakes his head. “Kathryn, please. I’d better be alone now.”

“For heaven’s sake, don’t be silly, Chakotay. Where is your medkit? And you better not pretend you don’t have one.” I hiss with narrowed eyes.

“In my wardrobe, Kathryn”. He watches me closely with a provocative expression. “Hidden between the undergarments.”

Putting my hands on my hips I shoot him a death glare. “And you expect me now to burrow in your underwear to get it?”

He doesn’t even flinch. “Believe it or not, but digging in my underwear would be less intimate than stirring in the problems we would have to solve if you would stay.”

“We _would_ have to solve? We _are_ going to solve.”

He crosses his arms over his chest, a short painful expression flickering over his face as he has obviously forgotten his injured hand. “Kathryn, this is not going to be easy. We’d better not start if we can’t pull completely through with it. Things are still working between the two of us and surely will work in the future. But stirring in a wasp nest and then bolt when it gets uncomfortable will definitely be too much.”

 _Bolt_. That’s what he is thinking of me. That I’m going to _bolt_ despite my promise in the bubble to overhaul our friendship.

Burning anger dwells up within me, almost lets me forget that he shoots partially low because he is so hurt himself. Things getting uncomfortable? Indeed.

So what now? I’m no counsellor and the one who comes closely to this is Chakotay himself. My own humble experience with really difficult talks is more or less restricted to Phoebe when she broke up with...

That’s it! _Phoebe_! The Janeway talks. Slightly modified they should hopefully work also with a pained and contrary first officer.

I’m not giving up before I have even tried to fix things.

No. Not after today’s experience with the keeper. Not after seeing …

Shaking my head to get rid of the upwelling images and emotions, I fix Chakotay with a stern glance and tap my comm.badge.

“Janeway to Tuvok.”

_“Tuvok here.”_

Chakotay rises his eyebrows. “What-“

I cut him off with a wave of my hand. “Tuvok, I’d like you to take command over Voyager for an indefinite period of time as we have talked about.”

 _“Understood Captain. Take you time.”_ He paused shortly. _“I wish you well.”_

“Thank you, Tuvok. Janeway out.”

Turning on my heels without a further comment I walk into Chakotay’s bedroom, trying not to pay too much attention to his sanctuary.

He follows me angrily. “Kathryn, what are you doing?”

Without looking back, I head to his wardrobe to open it. “Getting the medkit. Meanwhile you could replicate recipe Phoebe number three two times, although you might want to cancel the chicken in yours.”

“Recipe? Chicken?”

Ah, there they are. Chakotay’s pants. Nice. Very nice indeed. Where is the medkit? Carefully I lift the first pile away, equally carefully suppressing images of Chakotay clad in these. Wrong time for such thoughts.

“Kathryn?”

“What?” I turn around with his underwear still in my hand, both our eyes suddenly fixing his pants, then meeting again.

The symbolism of this lingers heavily between us.

I swallow.

The anger between the two of us dissipates into nothingness; it reluctantly makes room for the pain and exhaustion we both bear in our lives.

Tugging on his ear he takes a deep breath. “Alright then.”

Leaning on the wardrobe, I give him a tired smile. “Chakotay, could you please replicate Phoebe’s recipe? I’ll join you in a minute. Okay?”

Slowly nodding he leaves the room, leaves me behind standing in his bedroom and digging in his underwear in search for a medkit which doesn’t exist officially. I almost laugh at the absurdity of the situation.

Almost.

_Digging in my underwear would be less intimate than stirring in the problems we would have to solve._

Sighing I grasp the medkit. I’m really bad at such things - this would have been Phoebe’s territory. What would she have done?

Letting my eyes sweep over Chakotay’s tasteful furnished room, my view comes to rest on the bed’s blanket. Well, Phoebe would have taken this blanket for the talk. Not one of the afghans laying in the living room. No.

She would have taken the very one which was sheltering him in his sleep to allow him feel secure.

Straitening my shoulders, I walk to his bed and toss the blanket over my arm. Underwear. Blanket. Things will really get complicate the next days.

As I enter his main room again, I find him sitting on the couch with closed eyes and his injured hand carefully draped over his belly. Two soup bowls steam on the table, a delicious smell emanating from them.

On my approach he opens his lids, his eyes widening in surprise.

Heavens, he looks so worn out.

“Kathryn, what are you doing with my blanket?”

“Modifying the procedure.” I say putting the medkit on the table.

“What on earth are you talking about?”

Reaching him his blanket, I carefully consider my words. “An old female Janeway tradition for difficult talks. Soup for the soul. A cosy blanket to warm the heart. Cucumbers in the face and painted toe nails to care for the body.”

Our eyes lock, his voice is soft. “You seriously want to work this out between us.”

The atmosphere around us changes again and I can almost feel its wistfulness weighing on my shoulders. “Yes.”

He swallows. “I’m quite content with the way my toenails are.”

“I guessed as much.”

“And I prefer cucumbers in the salad.”

“That’s why I was speaking of modifying the procedure.”

Slowly he draws the blanket over his body. Sighs deeply. Then shoots me a long look. “I think regeneration of my hand would do for the body in my case. But I can’t talk for yours though.”

“The knots in my shoulder have knots.” I say grimly.

We both stare at each other for a few heartbeats.

“Deal.” He says quietly and lifts up the blanket a bit.

With my lips pressed together I hesitantly slip under the cover beside him, the sudden warmth of his body and his scent reminding me disturbingly much to the bubble’s event. Cocking an eyebrow to cover my nervousness, I look at him questioningly. “Hand or soup first?”

“Hand.” He reaches his hand over the blanket and I grip it carefully to not hurt him. It looks even worse now.

Wordlessly I start my work with the osteo and the dermal regenerator, his swollen skin agonizing slowly turning from reddish-bluish to bronze. It’s like a symbol for what we both will have to go through.

Mending fractions and healing bruises.

Seems like I’m going to invest my replicator rations in chicken soup for the next days and not in coffee.

 

=^=

__

_  
_

_ Day 34 in Nai’iari space; 04:00 _

 

I didn’t make it to my own quarters - that’s the first thought my sluggish mind is able to focus on before my senses slowly start raising an inventory of the surroundings.

We had fallen asleep in our embrace on the couch. Again.

A few months ago this fact would have let me have immediately jumped into high alert condition.

Instead, I relax and treasure his warm body next to mine, his head leaning heavily on my shoulder, his rhythmic breathing softly brushing the skin on my neck, the feeling of one of his arms around my waist and the other laying protectively on my upper belly with his fingers slightly touching my breast.

It could have been feeling strange.

But it doesn’t.

Not after what we have gone through the past twelve days.

Chakotay had been right – digging in his underwear was less intimate then the things we had to discuss and solve between the two of us. What had started comparably peaceful the first evening became gradually ugly the next days and turned into a nightmare. I almost gave up after – what was it? - three, four days of rancorous arguing in a circle with no solution in sight and only soul-destroying hurt produced.

No.

To be honest, I gave up for a moment; returned smattered and broken to my quarters on one evening with acrid guilt and venomous anger in my bones. Had it not been for the PADD lying on the desk of my table, our friendship most probably wouldn’t have survived it.

I had forgotten to tell him.

In all the emotional chaos of the last days I had forgotten to tell him of the Nai’iari’s gift; the ten years we might travel in mostly friendly territory.

I had lost my priority - our crew, our friendship; had instead fought an egoistic running battle. Bolted. Not physically, but emotionally. And I realized that I was about to bolt physically too.

It was an icy blow I deserved, one of those which set things right again, one which pierces bones and marrow and leaves only painful clarity behind.

With a calm determination deep inside me, I returned back to resume our talk, to resolve our problems. When he didn’t open the doors, I overrode his key; remained calm when he yelled at me because of my violation of his privacy. Instead I simply gave him the PADD to read, took it from the floor and handed it wordlessly to him again after he had thrown it away in fury without giving it a look.

I don’t know why he eventually gave in; maybe it was the look in my eyes or he felt my determination - it doesn’t matter - but he finally read the PADD with eyes more and more widened in disbelief. “Stellar maps and friendly contacts for ten thousand light years?”

“Yes.” I had answered softly, aware of the impact which it must have on him.

“Ten thousand…” His voice trailed off and for the first time in days, maybe years, he really allowed me to see the extent of his pain, his desperation, his fatigue.

It was then when I finally found quiet words to tell him of my experience with the keeper; when we hesitantly took each other in our arms and allowed tears of relief to appear. It was then, after days of fierce debates and denied emotions, when we found the urgently needed painful mutual understanding.

And it was then that we finally found it again – the something we’ve lost in the everyday battles along our journey. The something which was warm and comforting between us and which gave us the strength to carry on.

Somehow it has grown deeper since then, has dug its roots firmly into layers I’ve never expected it to reach.

The past twelve days had been outside of time; a healing time – filled with the hurt, but also the magic and the power of such a process. As much as I had first feared the mud showing up, now I start to fear losing this closeness we have developed and needed to heal our wounds.

Things won’t continue like this, they can’t.

We are Voyager’s command team and only the luxury of the peaceful Nai’iari space has allowed us this short but long overdue time out to mend our friendship at all. But finally we both are going to be fine again.

Truly.

Deeply.

Softly kissing his head, I draw him with my arm a bit nearer and, cautiously to not wake him, drag the rug over the two of us. Stirring in my embrace, he moves his arm on my belly and as his hand slides over my breast, he covers it fully.

Gasping at his touch, I cast an insecure glance on his face. He is still sound asleep and I am … Well what am I exactly?

My face suddenly feels awfully hot when the realization hits home that I fully enjoy this. Him. Us. Someone holding me close. Someone touching me sensually.

Heavens.

As it had happened so often the last weeks, a thick lump forms in my throat again. God, I hate being so emotional. Unable to hold back a tear rolling down my cheek, I stare with pressed lips towards the ceiling.

Soon we are going to again be captain and first officer and we'll have to leave this sheltered room where we are merely and mostly friends.

Some things are not possible to change.

But I’m ineffably glad that my best friend is back in my life.

Closing my eyes and relaxing in his peaceful presence, I wait to join him in sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

_ Day 92 in Nai’iari space; 11:35 _

 

“Captain’s personal log, stardate 54941.32. We’re more than three months into Nai’iari space. For the first time the crew seems to fully realize that we are travelling in peace for the next fifteen months, followed by most probably a quiet journey of further ten years. It’s like we all have forgotten to breathe in all those years of our strenuous journey and now air and life slowly wave through the ship. There are more smiles than I've ever recalled. Chakotay and I made the right decision.”

Leaning back into my chair I take a sip of coffee before continuing my log.

“Although peace doesn’t mean that we are not going to face some hurdles. The Nai’iari warned us beforehand that we might happen to reach a part of their space just in time for their biennial mating season which will last about two months. Crossing the high empathic field caused by the female Nia’iari poses severe problems to male humanoids, usually starting with headache, then nausea, followed by high fever and coma. We already had to put more than two third of the male members of our crew in stasis. Interestingly, the empathic field seems also to have a very strong impact on Seven’s and Icheb’s physiology. Both went into stasis yesterday.

“Worst case scenario we have to operate for two months on a solely female core crew. Opposed to the Doctor’s view, who thinks that the earlier the male crew members are put into stasis the better, Chakotay wants to give it a try as long as possible. I’ve had some severe discussions with him on this subject but-”

_“Doctor to Captain Janeway.”_

Heaving a deep sigh, I stop the recording. The EMH was obviously annoyed, which rarely means good news. With another sigh I tap my comm.badge. “Janeway here. What can I do for you Doctor?”

_“Although the Commander is of another opinion, I need to inform you that your first officer is currently throwing up the last bits of his breakfast. Again.”_

Tiredly I rub my temples. Darn. I had hoped that we could keep the current core crew as long as possible. We are already drastically understaffed. “So it is time to put the rest of our male crew into stasis?”

_“It’s long overdue, but no one on this ship listens to me anyway.”_

Rolling my eyes, I get up from my chair. “Well, initiate everything, Doctor. I’m on my way. We meet on deck 14. And Chakotay?”

 _“Yes, Captain.”_ Chakotay’s voice sounds weak.

“No backtalk this time. I can’t have you unnecessarily risk your life.”

I can almost hear Chakotay gritting his teeth over the comm.line. _“Understood. Captain.”_

_“At least someone is coming to her senses. EMH out.”_

Headshaking I leave my ready room and hand the bridge over to Ensign Brooks. Things are going to be exhausting with such a small staff for the next two months.

When I arrive at deck 14 where all stasis chambers are placed, Chakotay lies already on his bed and meets me with a worried look. His face is pale. “Kathryn, I want you to promise me two things.”

Sighing, I sit beside him on the stasis chamber. “Depends on what you want me to promise, Chakotay. You know the Delta Quadrant.”

He squeezes gently my arm. “First, promise me that you wake me if something you can’t deal alone happens.”

“I won’t risk your life Chakotay.”

“You might need my help only for a short time, so I won’t risk much.” His grip on my arm gets tighter. “Do I have your word?”

Pinching the bridge of my nose, I let out a slow breath before I face him. He is right. It might be required to wake him up if the ship is endangered. “You have.”

Chakotay considerably relaxes. “Well, the second thing I want you to promise is that you won’t stay all the time by yourself. Promise me to seek company. B’Elanna for example. You both have a good touch with each other and maybe you have now the chance to make the more out of it.” His expression is severe. “Two months can be a long time, Kathryn.”

“Okay, I promise to mingle with the crew. Anything else, Mister?”

His grin is almost infectious. “I need someone to water my plants. And I could do with a delicious meal when I awake out of stasis.”

Quirking an eyebrow, I poke a finger in his chest. “Don’t overdo it.”

“You will miss me.”

“The hell I will. With such a small core crew I will need vacation after these two months and you will have to pull double-shifts to make it up. I won’t have even time to miss you.”

We both remain silent for a few seconds.

“See you in a moment, Kathryn.”

“See you in two months, Chakotay.”

I stroke his chest with my hand before closing the chamber and our eyes remain locked until he drifts away.

Two months without him at my side.

The thought alone feels weird.

 

=^=

_ Day 121 in Nai’iari space; 19:40 _

 

Life on Voyager has become quiet with all the male members in stasis. We cope well with the demanding daily routines, but it is impossible to ignore the gap within our community which friends, colleagues, lovers have left the last month. Not that anyone of us wants to ignore it.

What has started as a single event one evening has since gradually become a daily ritual. For about one hour Voyager’s engines are stopped so that we can gather in the mess hall to share dinner and company. It’s a bit of a time-out. Our woman’s time. Voyager’s women have grown together and I have to admit to thoroughly enjoy it.

In these hours I’m only one amongst others. One hour a day to be merely Kathryn, being also called Kathryn by everyone. I laugh, chat, enjoy the female company. A relief I’ve never imagined to be possible while still captaining this vessel.

Luxury.

But I’m not the only one; also B’Elanna seems to enjoy this short relief of her role and duty.

I would have never guessed that the hole my best friend leaves in my daily routine would be so huge, especially since our friendship in the last months has become closer again. It’s the small things. Talking and reflecting about our crew, maintenance of the ship, sharing dinners… I’ve never been aware how much time of my day is devoted to these small things.

And to Chakotay.

“Kathryn, you are not going to start brooding again, are you?” B’Elanna shoots me her best Klingon skunk eye before she grabs her drink and takes a sip.

A chuckle escapes me.

The side-effect of having all male members of our crew in stasis is to have temporarily B’Elanna as my acting first officer and Marla Gilmore as acting chief engineer. New and still a bit fragile bonds of friendship have formed between the three of us. Befriending B’Elanna was something I’ve always wanted, but never had the opportunity to do. But the dawning friendship which has evolved with the gentle Marla came as a surprise.

It’s like suddenly having two younger sisters again. It doesn’t fill the hole Chakotay had left, but helps to lessen the gap Phoebe has ripped into my life.

“Touché.” I grin at B’Elanna and refill my glass of wine.

Out of the corner of my eyes I become aware that Marla watches me attentively. Her voice is soft. “It’s only a month from now. Then he’ll be back again.”

 _He’ll be back again._ Not ‘the crew is complete again’. Am I that-

“Yes, you are that glassy.” B’Elanna snorts and leans over the table. “And in case you think it is only a recent development, I’m sorry to rip you off this illusion. There is a reason why there was a betting pool on you both.”

Oh shit.

The clinging of a knife against a glass saves me from further interrogation. Maria Hanley stands on a table with a big grin. The chattering ceases, everyone looks to her with amused expressions at this unusual interruption. Leaning back in my seat I take a sip of wine. Lucky escape.

„Well ladies, as you know the boys and the Borg are out of the way.” Chuckles emerge from the audience and Marla and B’Elanna spread into a wide grin beside me. “I had some thoughts on this. We still have a month before they are back. Anything you always wanted to do without interference?”

„Astrometrics could to with an unbiased inspection.” Susan Nicoletti’s face remains blank, but the whole room erupts into laughter. I almost choke my sip of wine.

“There are a lot of holodeck programs which no one has been using for years. Megan and I could tidy out a bit.” Jenny Delaney shouts from the other side of the room.

B’Elanna laughs out loud. “I will claim to have had no clue of this when Tom’s wrath falls on you.”

The Delaney twins only respond with a not very innocent grin.

“I will overthink and optimize Tuvok’s battle training plans.” proposes Ensign Lang, evoking chuckles and some mad grins.

“I’m sure Tuvok will appreciate any additional suggestions.” Someone yells out of the audience. Cheers are heard all over the mess-hall.

Suppressing a wide grin I cast a side-glance to my two companions while other crazy ideas drop in. Chakotay was right. It would do me good to find some more friends.

Placing my glass on the table, I seek B’Elanna’s and Marla’s glance. “Well, I still have a very uncooperative replicator in my quarters. Anyone want to give me a hand to solve this mystery?”

The two engineers beam at me like glowing suns at this announcement. God, I really have missed having closer contact to other woman.

“Just tell me when and I’ll bring my toolbox. This damn replicator has been bothering us for years now. It’s time to dissect it to the last molecule.” B’Elanna replies with a mock stern expression on her face.

“How about I check the list of damage reports so far? Maybe there is a pattern.” Marla says eagerly, her eyes sparkling with delight.

Standing up from my chair, I smile at them. “Well, ladies. I would suggest tomorrow evening then. The bottle of wine goes on my rations. Anyway, I’ll call it a night.”

Reaching for her glass of water, B’Elanna sighs. “Mmmh. Good idea. I might follow your example a bit later. Next time I opt for Tom being the one with the pregnancy. Sleep well, Kathryn.”

“Good night Kathryn.” Marla says still smiling.

As the mess-halls doors swish shut behind me, I head tiredly towards the turbo lift. Our woman’s hour is not the only thing which has established itself during the last month. Most of us spend much time in deck 14 and although many pretend it to be solely a regular technical check-up of the stasis chambers’ proper functioning, everyone knows better. A technical check-up does not include talking with stasis chambers.

We simply miss our fellows.

Sighing I sit on the chair beside Chakotay’s unit and watch my best friend’s sleeping face for a while before I start telling him the latest news.

“I finally found the time to water your plants.” I inform him. “Although I must confess, two of them didn’t look utterly healthy. I’ve told them to not let their leaves hang or you would be angry with me.”

Almost hearing Chakotay’s comment on that, I immediately respond. “No Mister, I didn’t order them to get healthy again. I talked to them in a very kind way.”

Suspiciously I eye the unmoving figure before me and change the topic. With a bit of luck, his plants will recover until he is back again.

“B’Elanna, Marla and I will try to fix the replicator.” I cock an eyebrow. “And don’t grin like that, Mister. I’m sure we will fix this glorified toaster.”

No cheeky comments, no dimpled smile.

Standing from my chair, I look more one time with a lump in my throat at his peaceful sleeping figure before I leave the room for the last time this day. “Good night, Chakotay. See you tomorrow.”

God. I’ve never guessed that I would miss him that much.

 

=^=

_ Day 135 in Nai’iari space; 22:50 _

 

My replicator is a mess. Well, actually my _quarters_ have been a mess for almost two weeks now, but I love it. It’s not only because of the enjoyable company, it’s also because we also seem to have finally found the reason for the years of malfunctions.

Amusingly enough, it appears that the replicator itself had never been the source of problems. Indeed the troublemaker was a periodic glitch in the gravimetric junction near to the replicator's control center which brought everything off track, burned my meals and embarrassed me in front of my first officer. Not to mention, devastated countless replicator rations.

With their head buried deep into the bulkheads wall, Marla and B’Elanna pester the culprit.

“You know, Kathryn, when I joined Voyager’s crew, I joined a world of gossips and complex social rules.” Marla’s voice is muffled. “One of the things I stumbled over was the tale of the captain deliberately burning her dinners so that her first officer was obliged to cook the meals.”

I laugh.

“Now that you are aware of my replicator’s truth, I hope I’m relieved of this accusation.” Smirking, I continue my search in B’Elanna’s tool box for a sonic plier. “I’m aware that I have a very gossiping crew, but social rules? What are you talking about?”

“Well, for example that this handsome first officer who sent me quite some heart melting smiles was not to be touched.”

Beside her B’Elanna snorts loudly. “It really took you a while, Marla, to realize that. I almost thought about having an eye-to-eye talk with you.” Her hand reaches behind her back. “Hypo spanner.”

Openmouthed I reach for the tool in B’Elanna’s box and lay the spanner into her hand. I have been aware of Chakotay’s looks on Marla at this time but... my crew having a hand in this?

Marla laughs. “Believe me, the Delaney twins took care of that. And after our short informative talk I was wondering why on earth I didn’t find out by myself. Signs were quite clear, although things were obviously an unresolved issue then. I’m glad this has changed.”

Unresolved issue…? My heart sinks into my boots and I feel my cheeks burning. Things… have … changed?

_“Lang to Gilmore.”_

Untangling herself from the intestines of my bulkhead, Marla stretches her back and taps her comm.badge.

“Yes, Clara?”

_“Marla, the doors to holodeck one are malfunctioning. Would you be so kind to have a look on them?”_

Marla sends B’Elanna and me a questioning glance.

I nod, trying to keep a calm expression. “It’s late anyway, we’d better continue tomorrow.”

“Okay, Clara, I’m on my way.”

_“Thanks a lot! Lang out.”_

Before Marla leaves my quarters, she gives us a radiating smile. “In this case, see you tomorrow for the final replicator session.”

In silence B’Elanna and I start tidying up the tools which are spread all over the room. What on earth did she mean with ‘things have changed’? Well, unresolved issues, maybe, but things have _changed_?

Gathering my courage, I finally dare to ask. “Lanna?”

“Hmm?”

I hesitate. Heavens, how to address this? “Ummm. What did Marla mean with ‘things have changed’?”

Stopping in mid-movement B’Elanna turns around and shoots me a long look. A very long Klingon look with anger simmering in their depths. Her eyes narrow as she lifts her toolbox. “Kathryn, you can stop fooling us. We _all_ know. Good night.”

Still staring at the door long after she has left my quarters without a further word, I recapitulate the evening’s conversation without getting any wiser.

What the hell were they talking about?

 

=^=

_ Day 141 in Nai’iari space; 09:10 _

 

The glass beyond my fingers feels strangely cold – such a contrast to Chakotay’s warm chest I’m used to. His features are relaxed like he had been when he’d slept in my arms.

My eyes are misty as I tell him the latest news. “We have a new crewmember Chakotay. Miral Torres-Paris has safely arrived today. B’Elanna is exhausted but she is very well. The Doc hovers around her like a mother hen, especially since he knows that he is going to be the godfather.”

I imagine him chuckling in response with a grin spread all over his face, his beautiful eyes sparkling. It hurts my soul that we can’t share this moment now – it’s precious to have an addition to our family. We are used to bury them.

My thumb softly strokes over the stasis chamber.

“I miss you my dear friend.”

Dreadfully.

Our laughter, our banter. His calmness when he is at one with himself. The warmth of his body beside mine. His mere presence in my life.

It’s like my life has lost many of its colours. Not that it is colourless now, but the brightness and the richness have gone. Why have I never recognised it before? We’ve took each other for granted. I’m sure we both did.

“You know, when you are out of stasis again I’m even willing to cook for dinner.” His features remain relaxed and I pat the chamber. “Brave man. You don’t even bat an eyelid on this announcement. But I promise that it will be edible. B’Elanna, Marla and I finally fixed the replicator. Hopefully. As it seems it really was the interference from the gravimetric junction.”

Voyager’s silent humming and my breathing are the only sounds audible.

Pictures of him dwell up. Him sleeping in my arms. My name on his lips as he climaxes. Him crying. His aeon-old expression when we were in the bubble.

Suppressing the urge to climb into the stasis chamber with him, I straighten my shoulders. A ship has to be run. “Until later, Chakotay.”

Only two more weeks to go.

 

=^=

_ Day 152 in Nai’iari space; 23:05 _

 

“Megan Delaney to Captain Janeway.”

Laying my book on my lap, I tap my comm.badge. “Janeway here. What can I do for you, Megan?”

“Sorry to interrupt you in this late hour, Captain, but I think your presence in holodeck one is needed.” Megan’s usually cheerful voice sounds strained.

“I’m on my way. Janeway out.”

With a sigh I close my book and leave the quiet of my quarters. What the hell had happened on the holodeck that it requires my presence? An unpleasant feeling claws itself in my guts. As the holodeck’s doors swish open a familiar surrounding welcomes me.

Chakotay’s quarters.

And in midst of them two very nervous Delaney sisters.

Furrowing my brow, I look at them questioningly.

“Captain… when we sorted through the holoprograms…” Megan shoots her sister a troubled glance.

With a sigh Jenny continues. “We found this encrypted program and thought at first that it might be a leftover from the Hirogen. But then it contained this.” She presses her lips together.

I just arch my eyebrow, hiding the feeling of bad foreboding as good as possible. “Those are Commander Chakotay’s quarters.”

Jenny nods. “Yes…”

“Whose program is this?”

“Seven of Nine’s.”

I stare at her for a long time. “Computer start program.”

What I witness the following minutes is something I ban from my memory. It’s like a punch into the face. An unauthorized hologram. Of Chakotay. My best friend. In a romantic setting. With Seven, who I almost consider as a daughter.

Numbness, nausea, anger overcome me simultaneously at this sight.

I can’t bear it any longer. “Computer, freeze program.” My voice is controlled, hard. The scenery before me stops.

Turning around to the sisters, I face them with a stern look. “Megan, Jenny? This has to remain between the three of us.”

“Of course, Captain.” Megan replies.

“Sure.” Jenny answers.

“Thank you.” I squeeze Megan’s arm. “I’d like to be on my own now.”

Both nod in response.

Before she quits the holodeck, Megan gives me a long look and visibly battling with herself, she finally speaks with a voice full of insecurity. “Kathryn… you know… if you need someone to talk…”

She seems anxious of my answer. We both know that her question had overstepped the carefully drawn lines of rank. But I can’t help – this unsuspected blurry condition between friends and subordinate feels surprisingly good. Does me good.

Megan holds my glance, her emotions open for me to see. Concern and deep respect. The simple acceptance that I’m human in my desires and failures like everyone else. The knowledge that I need a friend like others too.

One of this annoyingly familiar thick lump forms in my throat.

Maybe it is time for me to think about authority in a new way. And maybe it’s time to accept that my authority within Voyager’s community is meanwhile routed in other reasons than being merely the captain. Like the Nai’iari had told me.

“I might need a friend, Megan.” I say quietly.

Her responding smile warms my heart. “Any time, Captain.”

The holodeck’s door swish shut behind her and I’m finally alone with Chakotay. Or better, the exact copy of his body and the soulless extrapolation of his personality. A frozen hologram. Ripped off the beauty of Chakotay’s essence.

I don’t know how long I stare at the frozen figure.

“Computer delete program, authorisation Janeway 5-5-1 delta-pi.”

_Program deleted._

Chakotay’s quarters vanish, leaving only the holodeck’s dull grid and a numb feeling in my body behind. Trancelike I quit the room and walk aimless along Voyager’s corridors.

 _Chakotay_.

Why does the mere thought of him dating someone else hurt so much? He has dated in the past. So did I. And it never had been a problem… Well, not really…I can’t deny that it always felt a bit … awkward knowing that he got intimate with someone else.

_Someone else._

I stop midtrack.

‘Someone else’ like in ‘not me’.

Realisation’s blow is heavy.

_Me._

Heavens. I still harbour feelings for my best friend, probably never ceased to have them.

Love.

_You can deny it or you can accept it, Captain. It doesn’t change what is._

The keeper had been right.

Bracing myself with one hand against the corridor’s wall I desperately try to get control over my emotions. With trembling fingers I seek comfort in the solid feeling of the necklace’s lock under my uniform.

Only slowly my surroundings become clearer again and I stare at the door I’ve come to stop in front of. Deck 14’s room with the stasis chambers.

A bitter laugh escapes me. The unconsciousness is not something to betray. I really can deny or accept it. It doesn’t change what I feel for him. Never had.

Heaving a deep breath I enter the room, where Chakotay’s peaceful expression greets me as always. I sit beside his stasis chamber losing any sense of time, watch his dear face, think about what had happened.

What now Kathryn?

He will not wait forever for me – if he wants to wait for me at all. But do I want him to wait? Or more precisely, do _I_ want him? After all those years… and moreover, in all the years to come? We can’t afford a short-lived rush. Too much depends on us.

My hand lays heavy on his stasis chamber. Things in this bloody quadrant are never going to be easy and clear-cut, aren’t they?

I swallow; my mouth feels dry. “The truth is, my friend, I fear that I’m in love with you. The only question is what we are going to do about that…”

My words go unheard in the silence surrounding us.

Chakotay’s features remain peaceful as they had been for almost the last two months.

Three more days within the empathic field.

Three more days to come in terms with myself.

 

=^=

_ Day 155 in Nai’iari space; 18:00 _

 

Excited murmur on Deck 14 greets me as I enter the room; a sharp contrast to the quietness which had ruled for the past two months. I can’t suppress a smile at the joy surrounding me.

The EMH obviously has Chakotay in his claws, hovers around him, pokes and measures as always. Chakotay rolls his eyes when our looks meet. Pressing my lips together to not laugh out loud, I walk beside the open stasis chamber.

“Well, everything seems fine, Commander. You are free to go.” Putting his tricorder aside, the EMH gives me a meaningful glance. “No strenuous activities for him today, Captain.”

Slightly irritated I stare at him. “I’ve only prepared for dinner.”

“Well, that will do fine I guess, especially since I’ve heard your replicator is in good working order again. Anyway, Captain, Commander, other crewmembers are waiting.” And off he is.

Slowly turning my head I focus on Chakotay. “Welcome back.”

It’s not the easiest thing to control my voice and to keep the tense out of it. For almost the first time we’ve met, I‘m nervous on how to proceed with him.

Shaking off the usual dizzy feeling caused by the stasis, Chakotay sits himself upright and rubs his face before he seeks my eyes. His smile seeps directly into my guts. “I guess everything went fine?”

“Of course. Even the gravity plating is recalibrated and the carpets are cleaned.” Rising an eye brow I shoot him a mock glare. “Unlike some first officers here around I pay attention to such details.”

He grins in response, but then gets serious again. “Kathryn, I’m relieved everything went well.”

Holding his gaze, I softly squeeze his upper arm, unable to ignore the pleasant warm feeling of his body beneath my fingers. “Me too. I’m glad that you are back, Chakotay.”

His warm laughter sounds through the room and it’s like everything around me brightens up. How could I have been such an idiot to never realize his importance in my life?

“Captain, don’t you tell me now that you have missed your first officer.”

My short hesitation gives me away. After all, I’m talking to Chakotay – he knows me too well. His eyes widen in surprise, sparkle in delight. “You _have_ missed me.”

Narrowing my eyes, I put my hands on my hips. “No, I haven’t.”

The dimpled smile. I hate him. Really.

“You are a bad liar, Kathryn.”

Letting out a slow breath through pursued lips, I give up. The last three more or less sleepless nights in self-contemplation had been too massive to ignore. I’m tired. “Maybe. Are you hungry?”

“I haven’t eaten for two months… and a repaired replicator? Sounds brilliant to me. I would eat almost anything right now.”

Swatting his arm, I shake my head. “You really are a smart aleck, Chakotay.”

On the way back to my quarters I brief him shortly of what had happened in the last two months and his grin broadens on hearing about Miral, our girls replicator session and the Delaney twins mission of organizing a big ‘crew united party’. As we enter my room he suddenly stops mid-track at the scene before us.

It’s not our usual work-dinner setting, although it might look like that on the first glance. Soft music sounds and a delicious smell of lasagne lingers in the air – the consequence B’Elanna’s, Marla’s and my successful work on the replicator. His eyes wander over the well-laid table, the candles, the flowers. The setting is subtly different, prepared with more consideration and I can see in his expression that he notices immediately.

The insides of my belly start liquefying.

When he turns his head, he lets his eyes rest on me for a while before he speaks again.

“What happened, Kathryn?”

God. I’m such a coward in these things. Of course a pathetic ‘I found out that you are the sunshine in my life’, or, ‘It hit me that I most probably love you’ would do the job. Instead the only phrase coming over my lips is “I missed you.”

He understands nevertheless.

The change in the expression of his look, his softening features tell me all that I need to know. There is no triumphant smile. No spontaneous hugging. No witty remark. Only a tenderness and understanding in the depth of his eyes.

His quiet acceptance of what I’ve just said and the impact of what it means, make me finally realize that the ‘most probably’ has to be cancelled out of the ‘I most probably love you’. There is no way around it to accept it for myself.

I love him.

As it seems, as I hope, we both are in love with each other. Still. Or again. Whatever.

When we seat ourselves to the table and start eating in silence, our looks meet a few times. Shy. Tentatively. We both need time to process what has happened the last months, the last minutes between the two of us and what might develop out of it.

The decision is not going to be easy.

Not with almost one hundred and fifty lives in our responsibility.


	4. Chapter 4

_ Day 157 in Nai’iari space; 12:30 _

 

“How is the progress of the Delaney twin’s ‘crew united party’ project?”

I cast a short side glance to him as we walk in the direction of the mess-hall. Unbelievable. He is only two days back and it almost feels again like ages - in every positive sense. “Well, Chakotay, after the initial battle with Neelix about the cuisine and other territories, things have run smoothly and the party should take place in two days as scheduled.”

Grinning we enter the buzzling mess-hall for lunch as usual and I let my gaze wander over the assembled crew; people are chattering relaxedly or boldly picking at Neelix’ latest adventurous creations.

It hits me unprepared. Unlike in the past nobody cares much about our entry except for the usual greetings. We aren’t even scrutinized when we sit down and start eating. It is as if for the crew … well … everything is settled, nothing exciting is to be expected anymore.

The penny drops, though not with a small ‘plinck’. More like two Malon-freighters colliding and their tanks contents igniting.

“What’s the matter, Kathryn?” Chakotay’s voice is full of concern.

Slowly laying my fork on my plate I try to remain calm when my view snaps back to him. “They assume we are a couple.” Darn. I sound almost like a squeaky duck. The change in his expression allows only one conclusion and I narrow my eyes. “You already knew that.”

Averting his gaze, Chakotay carefully places his own eating utensils on the table before he tugs his ear and meets my look again. “Umm, well, the betting pool on us has vanished.”

I let out a slow breath through pursued lips. “Chakotay. They haven’t bet on us for years.”

If possible, he seems to get even more uncomfortable. Clearing his throat he holds my look with a determined expression. “It’s closed. And deleted.”

“Why for heaven’s sake do they assume us to be a couple?”

He shoots me an astonished look, but then leans conspiratively forward, his eyes sparkling in mischief. “Kathryn. I don’t know your experiences, but no one masturbates _that_ long. Well, maybe in sequences, but not-”

Oh.

Heavens.

With a wave of my hand I interrupt him. “I got it.”

We continue eating in silence.

When we reach dessert, Chakotay starts picking at his food. Nervously. Finally his eyes seek mine again. “Would it be so bad if we were a couple?”

Involuntarily I take a sharp intake of breath and the rush of affection towards him almost sweeps me away.

So he really still wants me, still loves me.

Misinterpreting my reaction, Chakotay immediately tries to soothe me. “I don’t want you to answer now, Kathryn… but would you please just consider thinking over it?”

“I will.” The response escapes me before I had time to reconsider it. But it’s true. I will consider it. Maybe I have already decided.

From the surprised expression in his face it’s apparent that he hadn’t expected this answer.

A few heartbeats later he slowly lifts his hand as I have done years ago on New Earth. But this time it’s me who answers in intertwining my fingers with his and stroking his hand with my thumb.

I feel like I have dived into cold and hot water the same time.

For a while we remain like this, oblivious of our surroundings.

_Alea iacta est._ The die has been cast.

Things between the two of us are changing again.

 

=^=

_ Day 159 in Nai’iari space; 20:30 _

 

Once more Voyager’s engines are stopped, but this time not only for a few hours. Finally having prepared for the great party, we meet to celebrate our reunion, to celebrate peace for a full night.

A luxury we’ve never had so far.

Sandrines is overcrowded, decorated with glittering dragonflies – the crew’s cordial name for the Nai’iari - in all sizes and shapes. Everywhere there are people dancing and laughing.

Leaning back in my seat I let my view wander through the room, inhaling the sight of happy crewmembers: Tom beaming at his daughter; Harry flirting with the Delaney twins; Samantha Wildman dancing closely with Joe Carey; Tuvok playing pool.

Chakotay and I did the right thing.

Voyager has never been so full of life, sizzling with joy. Our crew has grown together, has even grown in numbers.

And we have still over a year left in Nai’iari space. Whatever we will face afterwards, this little community will be stronger.

Chakotay moves beside me on the bench. “It was the right decision.”

He sounds as content as I feel.

Turning my head, our glances meet. “Yes. It was the right decision.”

His face lights up in a warm smile. Is it then when he finally takes the last fiber of my heart? I don’t know. I don’t care.

Placing his glass of wine on the table, he stands and offers me his hand. “Care for a dance, Captain?”

Arching my eyebrow, I swirl the wine in my glass around. “You are pretty convinced of yourself, Commander.”

“No, Kathryn.” He replies softly. “I’m just hoping.”

Warmth spreads through my body as I lose myself in the beauty of his eyes. There is no chance to withstand him; I probably never had. Slowly putting my glass on the table, I rise myself with weak knees and take his hand into mine. He is slightly trembling.

We both know that things are going to change. Here. Now.

“Hope is a good thing.” I say.

Instead of an answer he merely draws me near to him into a dancing position. Enjoying our bodies touching and his hand warm on my lower back, I let myself be guided over the dance floor, whirling effortlessly with him to the fast beat of the music. Rarely have I felt so free.

As we almost collide with another couple, we come breathlessly to a sudden halt. Chakotay curses loudly. “Spirits.”

He tugs his ear and I start laughing.

Light-hearted. Exhilarated. Because of the sheepish look in his face. Because of the sheer joy which fills my heart.

“Too distracted to overview the overall course, Commander?” I must be grinning like a loon.

His eyes turn dark. A white hot spark shoots along my spine at the intensity of their expression. “Distracted? Definitely, Captain.”

While our eyes remain locked, the song changes and soft and slow tunes fill the room. Wordlessly, I move closer to him and rest my head with closed eyes in the crook of his neck. After a short hesitation he leans his head on mine. Slowly we follow the music with our bodies more and more pressed against each other, the flimsy fabric of our clothes unable to shield the heat radiating from him.

Neither of us cares what our crew might think.

His thigh rubs on mine as he directs us with determined steps through the dance floor’s chaos, his hand lifting my dress slightly when he aligns my body to his. I’m too aware of his palm resting on my hip, his fingers almost leaving a scorching mark on my skin. Hot wetness starts pooling between my legs, my heart pounds hard in my throat. Chakotay’s breathing becomes shallow and feeling an unmistakable bulge rubbing hard against my belly, I wrap my arm around his waist and pull us even closer, my hips molding firmly against his.

He gasps, his warm breath brushing at the shell of my ear, his unique smell engulfing me. I shiver.

And then the music changes again, becomes frantic, quick, loud. People adjust, move rapidly around us.

But we don’t.

We stop.

Remain in the embrace of our little world.

His heartbeat is fast.

“Kathryn?” he whispers in my ear.

God. Why I’m suddenly so nervous? “Yes?”

“I’m going to kiss you now.”

My mouth feels dry. Finally we’ve reached the point of no return. Things are going to change. As in ‘now’. Hesitantly lifting my head, I look into his eyes. “Wrong Chakotay. _I_ am going to kiss _you_.”

Like being under a spell I watch in fascination my fingers trailing his jawbone. Yes, it’s a point of no return in my life. But I’ve never thought that it would feel like this. So… right.

Waving my fingertips in his hair, I pull him softly down to me.

His lips graze mine, his breath touches my skin light as a feather while his grip tightens around my waist. And then he kisses me in a way that makes me forget even the pulsating life and joy around us. Kisses me with a passion that lifts my heart into unknown dimensions.

Holding onto his neck for my dear life, I kiss him back with all that I am, willingly opening myself for him when his tongue seeks entrance, plunges into my mouth. The music swallows our moans at the touch of our tongues first meeting, swallows time and colors until only the two of us remain exploring each other with curling tongues and burning hands.

I’m lost in him, never want to lose him.

Only the need for air makes us slowly part.

Breathlessly we look at each other, his smile one of the most wonderful sights I’ve ever encountered. My heart still beats wildly in my chest, still does its job. Unbelievable. It should burst with all the overwhelming emotions surging up within me.

“I love you Chakotay.” My voice is hoarse, but it feels so good to say it out loud. So completely right.

His eyes become misty and he tenderly caresses my cheek. “You have no idea how long I’ve waited for you to say this to me. Spirits Kathryn, I love you so much I could die right away.”

The seriousness of the moment washes over me. Slowly laying my hand on his chest as I’ve done uncounted times before, I weigh my words carefully. “Death has been part of our lives too often, Chakotay. I want us to live.”

“Yes.” He says and takes me into a tight embrace, swaying me to the lively music around us. “Tell me. Are you already too tired to dance, Captain?”

I smile into his chest. “The hell I am. Especially after a kiss like that I feel very brisk.”

He responds with a laugh and moves us into dancing position again. “Then let’s live and dance.”

And we live and dance. Dance until my dress sticks to my sweaty body.

Dance until we forget ourselves in time and space. Forget being captain and first officer. Forget all the duties which had weighed us down the past years.

Intoxicated with life, we celebrate just being here and alive; fete the happiness of Voyager’s crew while we get more and more drunk with lust.

I can’t deny that I want him, that I crave for the feeling of his body on mine, his touch. That I want to feel his lips. That I long for his caress.

Desire sizzles between us through the next hours as we free our souls in dancing, get swept away in the crew’s joy.

It’s late in the night when we finally stand in my quarters with our clothes wet from sweat clinging to our bodies. Unsure of how to proceed we look at each other. I don’t want him to leave. Not now, not after what had happened this evening, hell, the past months.

I don’t want to be apart from him.

Chakotay eyes me cautiously.

Shrugging off my shoes, I point with my head towards the bedroom. “You know where the bathroom is.”

“Yes.” His answer sounds like a question.

“The towels are in the cupboard.”

He lifts only his eyebrows. Oh dear. I’m really bad at this. Rubbing my sweat sticky forehead, I look into his eyes. “You are not going to make this easy for me, aren’t you?”

A smirk plays at the edges of his lips. “No Kathryn. Because I need you to tell me what you want, and how you want it. No assumptions.”

I sigh. But he is right. What is between the two of us is too important to be unspecific. Not here in the Delta Quadrant. Not while commanding a vessel together.

“Very well then, Chakotay.” Walking a few steps towards him so that only a few millimeters separate us, I put my hand on his chest. “What I want? I want you to share my life not only as my first officer, but also as my companion. I want to fall asleep in your arms and want you to be the first thing I see in the morning until the end of my days. And I finally want a healthy sex life, because I’m fed up living almost like a nun and only relying on my own hands. Was that informative enough?”

Instead of an answer he grips my waist with his hands and lifts me on his shoulder. I break out in laughter. “Heavens, Chakotay, what are you doing?”

“Getting you into the shower, kissing your naked body into oblivion and falling asleep beside my wife for the first time of the rest of my life.”

God. I love this man.

A few minutes into the shower I know that my future sex-life will be no less than earth-shattering. He worships my body like no one has ever done before as he peels me out of my sticky dress, kisses, licks every bit of dress-freed skin while the hot water runs along our bodies.

Panting, I succumb with fluttering eyelids to his greedy reverence, allowing him to devour every inch of my body while he pins me to the bathroom’s wall. Warm hands palm my breasts and I moan in lust when he captures my hardened peaks with his mouth and curls his tongue around the arching tips until I almost melt in pleasure and the heat of his naked body pressed on mine.

Gently he parts my thighs with a knee, his skilled fingers wander down my belly, touch delicate swollen folds. Whimpering in anticipation, I throw my head back, moaning loudly as an exploring finger slides in between, lightly touching my pearl, caressing sensitive flesh.

Easily his fingers strike their way along my burning wetness. God, I am so damp, I’m so...

Coherent thinking becomes difficult as he kisses his way down my body, grips my cheeks with his hands, lifts me to his mouth. I suck in a harsh breath as his hard velvet tongue teases my heated skin apart, licking, sucking, delving deep into me.

I lose my hold on the bathroom’s wall as my knees start quivering, but he keeps me firmly in place. There is no escape. Deliciously, mercilessly his tongue explores every inch, sending exquisite sparks along every nerve in my body. My belly’s muscles start curling as the wings of a climax unfold within me.

Closing my eyes, I let him push me over the edge. His tongue keeps circling my sensitive spot even when I come. A cry – my cry – of release fills the room as the wave hits me and energetic pleasure ripples through my body.

He doesn't give me time to ride down my waves, his relentless tongue keeps lapping my oversensitive bundle of nerves. It’s a torture of an exquisite kind.

“Heavens… Chakotay… I can’t… take anymore. It’s too…”

And then he slides a finger into my slick channel … and another one, driving them in and out, while his probing tongue swirls around my screaming pearl.

My world turns white in ecstasy. I burn in pleasure.

Grabbing for his head, I thrust my aching flesh towards his mouth. My body starts shaking uncontrollably as another climax forces its way into my body.

“Chakotay…” I moan, groan, husky, greedy.

He understands as he’d always done, and as he flicks his tongue on the sensitive bunch of nerves, my world bursts into colors. I shout my love to him into the universe, once and again, die, only to be reborn newly with each wave of ecstasy.

Limp I crush into his arms.

Panting.

Exhausted.

Drowning in love.

Unprepared for all the emotions dwelling up.

Someone shares my life again, loves me, even though he knows my worst faces. Wants to be with me, despite all my sharp edges.

_Wants me_.

With all that I am, with all that I have been.

Salty tears mingle with the sweet water running along my cheeks. As the showers warm water beats down on us, Chakotay cradles me like a child, strokes my back, whispering unfamiliar words which touch the depths of my soul.

“I love you so much, Chakotay.” I mumble in his chest over and over, treasure the feeling of his strong body holding me, his erection pressed against my side.

In his arms time becomes irrelevant.

Slowly the churned up sea which are my emotions calms down.

Turning off the shower, he releases me from our embrace and gently rubs me dry with a towel, before he dries himself. I’m so exhausted.

Unendingly exhausted.

Wordlessly, he lifts me up in his arms and carries me to my bed, the coolness of the sheets a sharp contrast to my overheated skin.

“What about you?” I’m barely able to keep my eyes open. “How-“

“Shhhh, Kathryn. I’m fine.” The mattress weighs down beside me when he climbs into the bed. Cautiously he snakes his arm under my neck to pillow my head and spoons me before he covers us with the blanket; the warmth of his naked body against mine alien and familiar at the same time. Draping his arm over my waist, his hand tenderly strokes my belly, his breath warm against my neck. “Just sleep, my love. Sleep.”

In the security of his arms and with a smile on my face, my foggy mind finally surrenders to sleep’s embrace.

 

=^=

_ Day 160 in Nai’iari space; 06:00 _

 

Something tingles on my neck and as I try to scratch it off, my fingers touch a wet spot. A few brain functions switch from sleep into a more active mode and start pondering about this observation, but soon get distracted by a very intense sensation at the tip of a breast.

_A finger circling the tip of my breast._

My eyes snap open and all brain functions are in full alert. Something warm, muscular leans against my body. And something distractingly hard is pressed against my lower back.

Chakotay.

Memories flash back, including me screaming in the shower.

My body remembers instantly too - warmth curls in my belly, my breathing becomes quick.

Heavens.

“Good morning, Kathryn.” He nibbles on my ear lobe and his tongue softly touches the sensitive spot behind my ear. I shiver. “Slept well?”

“Ummmm yes.” I rasp with the erotic morning voice of a Bolian wood worm.

“I thought-“ Fingers continue to caress my breast and I have difficulties to keep listening. “- that in my function as your tactical advisor it might be advantageous to do some explorations in the next two hours before we have to get up for our shifts.”

“See that’s why youuuuuuu-“ His lips brush along my neck and the line of my shoulder, while his hand slowly wanders down my belly. “-are my first officer to keep the overview on such things.” I somehow manage to finish the sentence. Wet pools between my legs and arching my hips back I slightly open my thighs to allow him better access.

“I’m only doing my duty, Captain.” He whispers in my ear, his tongue teasing my sensitive spot. Two fingers cautiously spread my labia wide open, softly massage my pearl until I squirm in desire.

Moaning, I slip my hand behind my back, touch, caress his velvet hard shaft with my fingertips. God. He feels so good.

This time it’s he who groans in pleasure and buries his head into the crook of my neck, his hot breath grazes over my heated skin, covering it with a layer of chills.

One by one my fingers envelope him and as I slowly start moving up and down along his hardness, his body stiffens and he thrusts his hip into my hand with a cry.

“Spirits, Kathryn. I… I…” He swallows. “Stop now, please, or-”

Releasing his shaft I lean back on this body and wiggle my back on his erection with a mischievous smile on my lips. “Or what, Commander?”

He growls, his hands gripping tightly my waist as he whispers into my ear. “I need the feel of your wet warmth.”

With one movement he draws my pelvis to his groin, pressing my cheeks to his hard shaft. Slowly his hand wanders down my top leg into its inner side and in a gentle movement he pulls it backwards over his hip. I gasp at the sudden sensation of cool air bathing the hot flesh of my widespread womanhood. He rubs his body against mine as he nestles his erection on my entrance.

“Want to become my wife, Kathryn?” His breath brushes against the shell of my ear, sweeping my body all over with goose bumps.

Turning my head so that our eyes met, I answer breathlessly. “Hell, yes.”

A cry of pleasure escapes my lips as he thrusts his way in, intermingling with his own cry.

We still in our movements amazed of what has happened, amazed by the feeling of the two of us joined. Him within me, stretching me, caressing my innermost.

Softly we kiss.

“Spirits I love you, Kathryn.” He whispers.

Answering with a smile, I lift my hand to stroke his face. “I love you too.”

As if we are one body, our hips slowly undulate in the rhythms of our breaths. His fingers trail lazily through my curly triangle towards my bare flesh, opened in all its vulnerability for him while his penis throbs within me.

Gasping for air, I squirm at his touch, my body exploding in ecstasy as he starts moving slowly out of me. With each rhythmic thrust he delves deeper and arching my hip backwards I spread my legs wider. I want him deep, _need_ him deep.

My fingers clutch the sheets as he massages my aching hotness.

“Chakotay… soon.” I pant.

Our breath comes in rasps as he starts pounding faster and faster, a hand fixed on my hip, the other between my legs, his fingers sliding through my wet folds.

The release hits like a flash; my hips buckle uncontrollable in sweet agony as wave after wave washes over my body with each of Chakotay’s thrusts.

With a groan he pushes on last time into my warmth. Riding on my fading waves of bliss I savor the feeling of him pulsating inside while he pours his pleasure into me.

Together we come back, let our sweat sticky bodies cool down while we kiss and stroke each other in the awareness of the beauty of what just had happened; whisper words of love and dedication, memorize the feeling of the other.

His penis softens and slowly withdrawing from me, he gently takes me into his arms.

Snuggling into his embrace I cherish his presence in my life. With a smile I turn around in his embrace and kiss his lips. “Heavens. I don’t think I’m able to captain this ship today.”

Chuckling he strokes my hair out of my face. “Well, I won’t be of much use either. But we both just have to sit in our seats, pretend to be physically present and leave the flying to Paris.” He kisses my head. “And unless Tom maneuvers Voyager into forbidden Nai’iari space or crashes the ship on a planet, the next year will be pretty eventless. We have time to relax, Kathryn.”

Leaning my head on his warm chest, I close my eyes.

Relax.

Still more than a year travelling in peace. Maybe even ten comparably quiet years afterwards.

An unimaginable, priceless gift.

We’ve made the right decision.

In so many ways.


	5. Chapter 5

_ Day 549 in Nai’iari space; 08:00 _

 

The energy barrier's pale blue light shines softly into the dark of my quarters and casts our shadows on the floor; two figures with their arms wrapped around each other. But the shadow fails to show the saturated content I'm feeling.

Chakotay's gaze meets mine in the reflection of the window. We are both smiling.

"Maps for the next ten years of our journey. I hope it will be as peaceful as the last one and a half have been..." His voice trails off.

Snuggling closer to him, I stroke his back. "We are going to be fine, Chakotay."

"I know."

Voyager's soft humming engulfs the two of us, his thumb caresses my arm.

"Chakotay?”

“Hmm?”

“B'Elanna is pregnant again."

His reflection's grin broadens. "I suspected that much." Inclining my head a little to the right I raise my eyebrow questioningly. He laughs in response. "Paris' huge smile the last few days - it gave him away."

I chuckle. "Anyway, they need bigger quarters."

"Yes, I think so too."

"How about taking the last alibi-things from your quarters and finally move into mine?"

"I like that idea. How about redesigning the schematics of our quarters then?"

"What do you have in mind?"

He pauses a while, before he answers with nervousness clouding his voice. "Kathryn... how about a children's room?"

I swear my heart sets out a beat. Or two.

And when it starts beating again, dizziness sweeps over me.

Children.

Somehow I have given up this topic long ago.

The world spins around me.

Obviously feeling the whirlwind of my emotions, Chakotay tightens his embrace softly. "Kathryn. I don't need you to answer now… but would you please just consider thinking over it?"

Taking a deep breath, I let my eyes rest on the myriads shades of blue beautiful wavering along the barrier. The Wise's and the Nai'iari's gift - a comparably secure journey for the next ten years. Who am I to decline that?

"Yes."

He stares at me. "Yes, as in you will think about it, or, yes, as in redesigning your quarters?"

Detangling myself from his embrace I turn around to face him, trying to look as stern as possible. "I was always of the opinion that my quarters need another room arrangement."

His features soften. "Yes?"

I grin. "Yes." 

He grips me on my waist and swirls me around, dances with me through our quarters like mad with our happy laughter on our trail.

Breathlessly, I swat his chest. "Stop that, Commander. We have to resume this and other activities in the evening. Now we have a ship to run and unknown space to explore."

With a mischievous sparkle in his eyes he kisses me softly on my lips and pulls me away. "Aye Captain."

Before the doors of our quarters shut behind us on our way to the bridge, I cast back a short glance to the blue barrier which has sheltered us for such a long time.

A warm feeling spreads through my heart.

We are all going to be fine.

I’m sure.

 

~FIN~


End file.
